The Rising Unemployment Rate
Lo Jo, C.E.O. fires her ceiling fan who retaliates by blowing
her to Mt. Doom. There, slopes grumble like nursing home
residents slapped simultaneously during Bingo. A whistle-
blower blows a balloon that pops loudly like a .44 Magnum.
Nurse Jenny gets hit, yet survives due to her body armor.
Small business owner Emanuel Jenkins fires his gender, thus
receiving a French manicure. The fumes burn his eyes like two
kitchens in an oven at China Wok. A downsizing-related quarrel
breaks out between the dinnerware and the floor, resulting in
a bleeding foot parade.
Señor Tucan files for unemployment but gets disqualified for
not being human. Devastated, he severs his wings, opens his
first story window, and plunges to his death like a quadriplegic
pool diver. The splash hits Lo Jo and her Wall Street Journal,
peeving her so that she mails Gravity a death threat.
Making best of his job loss, Paul Carruthers plays a dog-on-
a-leash that whimpers behind China Wok, but the pound
captures him like a Chess strategist. The king signs the bill
halting unemployment benefits in exchange for legalized child
trafficking, yet the jobless rate continues to rise.