UNS 321

Peggy Twolegs sat in her Unspecified 321 course when she noticed Professor Chandler’s one working eyebrow and his other on welfare. This detail was not on the syllabus, but on fire.

Immediately, the sprinkler system shot out along a nearby landscape, which was the very location the classmates daydreamed to. There, Professor Chandler began believing—believing over fountains, statues, and hand rails without a helmet, occasionally stopping to hint at final exam material. In the back, Michael Longbong raised his hand, but too far, for it detached and floated out into the horizon like a lost balloon with a sad, pathetic face. Professor Chandler was impressed, though he knew not at what, for being occasionally impressed was protocol for all professors. On top of that, he was responsible for nothing else, which frustrated him so, that he flung nothing else at his desk, cracking it.

Then suddenly, authorities blew up the wall and stormed in to arrest Michael on the grounds of littering with the intention of asking questions. The grounds, however, shook back in a temper tantrum, burying the evidence. This continued till Peggy fed chocolate milk into its crevices.

After a tremendous belch, the grounds opened up a secret passage with a suit-clad door person. The IDs were evaluated and the class entered, inexplicably already in ritual cloaks. Professor Chandler lit a maple torch, lighting a descending stairway, but only as a mime. Needless to say, the students witnessed nothing, spawning a riot. The rioters jumped into their riot gear, but found no riots.

Peggy crawled under the desk to search for the words that wrote her pencil, but lost her way. She crawled into a tunnel, which appeared to be her own ear canal, for she heard herself within herself.

Meanwhile, Professor Chandler forgot how to move, so he let the class move around him, resulting in a concussion.

The ambulance arrived, but without personnel. Three thoroughbreds, however, stormed out with number 3 immediately taking the lead over 6 and 7. Peggy clenched her glass teeth, having placed bids on 5, which was in fact herself falling rapidly behind. At this point, Professor Chandler’s dead weight had become unbearable, so she lowered him into a pit of cobras.

By the time Peggy had returned to class, Professor Chandler was already collecting pop quizzes. To make an A, the quizzes had to be folded into airplanes and flown into a ring of fire. Surviving passengers were seated in the waiting lounge for the next available departure. Over the intercom, Receptionist Chandler announced the boarding of First Class.

Soon after, a few students departed into luxury hearses. The remainder drowned in laughter, having been in on the ploy, but also in a tickling tsunami. Game over.

Two quarters dropped into Professor Chandler’s tip jar, reanimating the characters. Peggy sat in her class, forgetting whether she was on the toilet or on probation. The professor appeared to be either a janitor or a cop. After a group debate, the class decided on janitor. Consequently, Janitor Chandler cleaned his act and clocked out.

By the time he arrived home, the class had already eaten Mrs. Chandler’s roasted bones. The cleaning process was on the final exam. The class, submitting to sleep, assembled into each other like a pack of cigarettes.

The following morning, they went out to cause cancer. In repentance, the class congregated to a nearby church. There, Reverend Chandler preached over pews, the pulpit, and the alter until he fell into a deep depression. In a collective effort, the class undressed and put together a fabric ladder to throw down.

Suddenly, the watchtower lights emerged to foil the conspiracy. Inmate Chandler was transferred to a new classroom, where the students wore mandatory tricks up their sleeves. Peggy stepped out to the restroom inside her pants. There, bullies humiliated Michael over rumors that he was a fictional character.

By the time Peggy returned, Professor Chandler had already died and was part of an open casket ceremony. A substitute teacher was called to the scene with substitute hair made of linguini. Her name was Professor Chandler False. She kept a scarf to wipe the dribbles of clam sauce from her cheek. Her assignment that day involved class dismissal. But Peggy and Michael, after exiting, were perplexed, so they re-entered seeking guidance, only to find a janitor’s closet full of cobwebs that weaved spiders.

There, the two had sex, yet without touching nor arousing each other. Professor Chandler False took notes.

The following morning, the three awoke to a sleeping rooster who regressed back to an egg, which then fell and cracked the floor. In lieu of this, Professor Chandler False distributed the final exam, which consisted of 50 questions, all optional. Peggy, however, had forgotten whether to answer the door or the telephone. The majority shaded in bubble C for the telephone. On the line was a bill collector whom knew the whereabouts of the night slippers. One by one, the students discovered theirs, beneath their own feet.

The ground then walked the students out of UNS 3201, where they fell out of context.

Leave a comment


email* (not published)