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Warning: Something that warns or serves to warn, especially a notice or bulletin that alerts the public of an imminent hazard.

Once upon a time, time went on strike and refused to let Once upon him any longer. If the die rolls six, start over, else turn the knob to approximeltely 320° F. Heated over the turn of events, Jennifer Westhead refuses to press any charges due to disagreeing she was angry to begin with. Suddenly, Jennifer Westhead is a person’s name, questionably female. She huffs and she puffs and she finishes her cigarette. Amen.

This just in: Two ducks were discovered swimming along Lake Superior, although the debate whether they were real or plastic remains. Studies show that flipping a coin has a positive effect on uncertainties such as these. Jennifer Westhead inserts the coin, but the gumball machine gives her pencil shavings. Rounding to the nearest tenth, how many grams did Jennifer Westhead receive? Then, solve for X.

X marks this spot, whereas I could care less, not necessarily that I would though. Take it away, Jennifer Westhead! The rhinoserous stubbornly prevents itself from being pulled into backstage, preferring the spotlight. Then Joyleen Wickland, formerly Jennifer Westhead, wakes up to a knocking. For Sale: Siamese feline, low maintenance, not breathing, no feeding necessary. Joyleen Wickland refuses the offer, opting instead to change the channel to something other than the shopping network.

Joyleen Wickland’s doctor’s appointment is scheduled for the fun of it. Meanwhile, tobacco succeeds Meanwhile, followed by succeeds. If the pipe is not a pipe, yield to pedestrians, else hit them about the head with it. Joyleen Wickland switches to God mode seconds before the pipe strikes her, but the code is entered incorrectly, so she dies. Worse yet, she destroys a child’s card castle on her way down.

Jocelyn Wainscott is casted to replace Joyleen Wickland. She will have the stir-fried shrimp in a spicy Tamari house-recipe sauce. To this, the terrier tilts his head in bewilderment, having taken only one semester of English. He notes that one and one is too trivial, whereas two and two is for winners, unless that entitles a tie. In which case, a full-Windsor knot is preferred over a half-Windsor.

Our father, who art in heaven, lead Jocelyn Wainscott away from tempura. Program description: 1,368 treadmiles before reaching acknowledgement as a living entity. Will she reach for stars or for cheeseburgers? Opposite of left is right, whereas the opposite of right is wrong. Jocelyn Wainscott cringes, despising non sequiturs just as much as non-fiction. She is quite the polymath, let me tell you. In fact, I just did.

Russia gets a bowel movement for once and drops a nuclear warhead on the west. An angel-winged Joyleen Wickland pops back into the epic, whereas Jocelyn Wainscott reincarnates as a hippopotamus in another dimension. Joyleen Wickland earns two out of five stars from the critics, so she puts them in her pocket. Did she put the stars or the critics in her pocket? Discuss this among the group.

If Joyleen Wickland wins the horse race, take a whisky shot, else pour her one. The bartender illegally mixes meta with fiction, spawning meta-fiction. The jury finds the defendant guilty of distributing a schedule I controlled language manipulation. This line has fourteen words, thirteen spaces, twenty five syllables, and no character development. Joyleen Wickland exits. The drapes of existence sink down. A new beginning emerges.

In the beginning, there were twelve letters, though perhaps now the spelling has changed. Ignore the last fragment. These are the kinds that go into envelopes. Ignore that as well, due to paper cuts. In fact, ignore everything from this point back.

Return to sender.

Scorekeeper

A starting pistol fires. Was the passing seagull grazed in despair, the refrigerator, Vegas, the sky, or sunglasses? For the solution, take the first left at the stop sign then count from two to three. Usually, Brittany Holderbaum appears with the answer written across her forehead, but she malfunctions. With a stethoscope to her chest, Dr. Lester Peabottle picks up a terrorist signal, so he prescribes 4 kg of gunpowder. Meanwhile, the clock strikes a pedestrian due to the tenants above undergoing a domestic throwing frenzy. Like butter, the frenzy spreads to Fifth Street, then melts. Then a red light emerges.

Green light. Brittany Holderbaum advances six spaces. On the seventh, she rises again, along with the high tide, and the Confederacy. In fact, contrary to fiction, fact is non-fiction. This mantra is repeated until the dungeon door opens to Dr. Lester Peabottle himself, irked at the Judas that revealed the passcode to the raccoon before him. Cut! Dr. Lester Peabottle’s character gets the raccoon to join him for lunch break, so they anthropomorphize into each other. Urban legend: Eight out of every nine numbers are fertility charms.

Ten days later, Brittany Holderbaum is paradoxically eleven days older. That is, to her sister-in-law, Tasha Holderbaum. The whistle blows. Twelve point penalty for the illegal use of context. Pay a visit to Tasha Holderbaum’s mother, Theresa Holderbaum. The dinner bell rings for thirteen vultures who then eat Brittany Holderbaum’s words, leaving her speechless at the beauty pageant. The winner take home a crown of thorn. Halt, thief! A gang of fourteen citizens retrieve their public domain letter from the letter-snatcher. Moral: Lower the toilet seat after every job interview.

Do not put your lemons all in one basket, grab the bulls by the horns and kill them with one stone while saving the lemonade for a rainy day. Having obeyed the officer’s orders, Brittany Holderbaum then leads an old horse to its water though is unable to teach him any new drinking tricks. True or false? False alarm. Fifteen seconds later, Brittany Holderbaum returns to her cubicle to find the horse sipping her mug of chalk dust latte in B-flat major. The conductor is copper, whereas the audience is cobalt. What lies between them? A nickel lies between a penny and a dime, making sixteen cents.

Brittany Holderbaum has nothing more in her purse, if one does not count the dollars and credit cards. Exactly this is chiseled into her tombstone, having shortly died of laughter at seventeen. The mermaid community sends their deepest condolences to a character in another story. Tasha Holderbaum places a water-squirting rose into the casket, then, as a sign of gratitude, receives a hug from Brittany Holderbaum herself. Objection! Artificial intelligence will advance the Islamic establishment, not destroy it. Overruled. The buzzer goes off.

Intermission: Eighteen passes, nineteen blows, twenty advances, twenty-one plays, twenty-two cracks, twenty-three strikes, twenty-four calls, twenty-five pulls, twenty-six dips, and twenty-seven rolls.

The metronome resumes. Grapes shower from the sky until beetle forms manifest. From the heap rises Tasha Holderbaum who refuses to reveal the apparition’s esoteric significance, but agrees to a reading. The bowling ball warns of further literary blasphemy before striking all twenty-eight pins. Rewind. Dr. Lester Peabottle picks up a terrorist signal, so he hides inside his imagination’s immigrant-smuggling truck. For homework, describe the twenty-nine hiding goats in Pig Latin. An additional goat makes thirty–cups of milk. Tasha Holderbaum thus refills her flask.

No unauthorized personnel beyond this point. No pickles or mustard. 31% off the previous purchase, saving a total of thirty-two passengers, including the antagonist Tasha Holderbaum, whose fictional work, Scorekeeper, turns against itself like a burning fire station. Neighboring firefighters arrive on a giraffe, proving themselves useless via the scientific method. Each test subject receives $33 and a complimentary felony charge. Meanwhile, the food fight reaches its peak, despite its food absence. Desperate, Tasha Holderbaum scavenges around the soup kitchen for chairs, not having sat for days.

Sit on this for a while. A wingless fly is a walk, whereas a legless walk is amusing. The audience laughs. Tasha Holderbaum forgets her line, so she pulls out a triangle and makes unnecessary noise, waking up the babies. Among them is Dr. Lester Peabottle, whose age-reversal technique was recently used on himself. So without further adieu, we present the mute button-presser. Let us have a moment of silence. Visualize a chorus of thirty-four cats, the thirty-fifth being the number of fleas belonging to the highest soprano. Place your bets on number thirty-six.

Suddenly, Tasha Holderbaum awakens to the gunshots heard from the front page of the newspaper. Interception! A plagiarist steals the previous scene. The investigator dusts for fingerprints, only to find God. A church is constructed every thirty-seven minutes worldwide. Why does nobody ever say worldlong? Tasha Holderbaum cringes, despising rhetorical questions, just as much as their answers. So loud are Tasha Holderbaum’s thoughts, that the librarian shushes her. No smoking, shows the sign, unless the turkey calls for it, in which case, one should answer the phone and ask for menthols or wood chips. Paragraph is closed.

Open here. Thirty-eight snakes squirm within the box. Tasha Holderbaum reveals that thirty-nine wishes may be granted, but the catch is spelled differently. Forty common symbols are displayed here. Forty-one says congratulations on nearly finishing, whereas forty-two meanders off to quantify itself out to persons or things. A fraction of a calorie has been burned in the result of reading this work. The scorekeeper reaches the end of her waking state. The game ends forty-three to nothing.

Game Rules

WELCOME TO GAME RULES, where musicians stretch their muscles and athletes tune their instruments. Please wait to be seated.

The curtain opens like a candy wrapper to sweet words: GRAFFITI IN BATHROOM STALL IS CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS. Lose a turn. The bouncer requests proper identification as a respected member of society, only to get a pie to the face and a bill the next morning. The enemy is spotted at 9 o’clock, dalmatian-like, but without the makeup. SEC. 1771. It is unlawful to bear a clean face. Let’s face it, yesterday has passed, so tomorrow will fail. These are the wise words from a man that never existed. The editor rolls her eyes down a steep hill, chasing the prose into a corner. DEAD END.

Please stand. The antagonist gets his back-story–Humpty Dumpty’s. Whereas the protagonist gets her backyard converted into a graveyard. Trick question! The referee blows over into the neighboring city. Ingredients: wings, muscle power, NO TURN ON RED. Instead, raise the white flag, pluck the violet, and eat a blue-green orange. The antagonist takes the devil’s side, yet the protagonist takes THIS SIDE UP. Hint: use a can-opener. REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING THE DOOR TO STRANGERS. The antagonist is selling cookies. STOP AHEAD. Suddenly, the protagonist buys a kilo. STOP. Look both ways before cross-dressing.

HELP WANTED: Absurdist flash fiction readers. The tension builds when the protagonist discovers the antagonist’s antics. Spoiler: at the end, the protagonist dies of old age. Meanwhile, the antagonist pulls out an ace of spades which does nothing to the chess match, though the four-pawed opponent knows not any better. The checkered board waves fabric-like. Jackpot! The protagonist wins the race to the toilet. PUBLIC BATHROOM PERMIT REQUIRED. Call for a nurse. Will the protagonist’s essay, Game Rules, end with a bang? Cast in the votes. Then expect nothing. To continue, INSERT TOKEN.

NO VACANCY. Skip ahead with passport in hand.

Welcome to the next part. CAUTION: A chain of ducks have gotten loose, slipping out of the story. The four characters so far mentioned jump into their emergency duck costumes and dive into the pond, nearly drowning. NO DIVING INTO CONCLUSIONS. The lifeguard reveals the pond is a holographic representation of a court hearing currently in session. The four make their way out of their bodies and into the astral field. DANGER. How does the antagonist spell curse? The same way the antagonist spellbound the protagonist into this non sequitur. The audience in another story delivers a standing ovation.

ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. Cite the references, then–means next. Next in line is the protagonist, but that is of little importance. To confirm, SIGN HERE__________________________. The antagonist loses his pen followed by his arms and legs over a bet, except not really. BEWARE OF DOG. Having only taken Elementary Barking, the antagonist misunderstands the rules to hide-and-go-seek. Any questions? The protagonist asks the antagonist out on a date, today’s date. The following day is not here yet. SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

If the protagonist’s Game Rules were a dish, what would it taste like? False. To retrieve water, turn the faucet handle as shown in Fig. 12 of the mind. The antagonist follows the instructions stalker-like. EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS, whereas those unemployed need not apply, ever. Regardless, the washroom remains in use despite its lack of faucet, toilet, and walls. ATTENTION: The fourth wall is broken beyond repair. Exactly this is written on a long aerial banner. The protagonist jumps out of its airplane without a hula hoop, but why have one in the first place? Those are only for second and third place winners.

Speaking of elephants, send this manuscript to at least ten trash cans, else toasted bread will be a thing of the past. The present tense is here. The winner is the player with the most fingers. Bang! Who shot the antagonist? EXIT.

Knots & What Knots?

Is this the beginning? The sun theoretically shines. Jeremy Knot’s esoteric name is Jeremy Knot, but without the first or last part. Autonym #1: One. He muses under that questionable sun, pondering over the axiom of if if is/isn’t if, then then is/isn’t then. The following day, Jeremy is charged eight hours of sleep for stepping in man(uer).  With heavy eyes, Jeremy retaliates by threatening to change into a banana tree. At once, the chimpanzees appear, but then leave shortly after due to unavailable parking. The former line is an abstraction and should be ignored.

Truthfully, the only truth is no truth, to the liking of Jeremy, whom likes like like like should be liked. That that that that (four that), Jeremy loses a letter grade. He literally learns to unlearn figuratively. He gives bitter nods to the nearby classmates, realizing they have always been cardboard cutouts. One by one, he throws them into a dwindling fire, then stirs the kettle for extra credit. The homeless await with soup bowls so large, they are questionable tubs. Jeremy hands them towel (but pleural) and a change of clothes. With striped uniforms, they are thrown behind bars, where they are to serve ten years of drink specials.

Autonym #2: English. In is in this line just as English in English is, and this is this is, and is is isis. The (w)all collapses out of (bored)om until the idea of collapsing collapses, forcing disorder to gravitate towards order. In order for Jeremy to (compreh)end this, he must first exist outside of fiction. Nine words (two being invisible): That which is knowable can only be fiction. Jeremy solves the puzzle, identifying two as a word, not a quantifier. Exercise 3-1: What is Exercise 3-1? Questions lead to questions about questions, whereas answers lead too many astray. These realizations hit Jeremy like a cold breeze, so he slips into clothes, having been exposed up until now.

What is the euphemism for euphemism? The unexamined life is to die for. Jeremy tries to catch the two hands in front of him. He catches himself in front himself, and tells himself truths/non-truths. If up goes down, both up and down go down, but if left goes left and left again, left gets left out. Left in charge, Jeremy resumes, but twice in size. Or did everything shrink? That is impossibly possible. Jeremy detonates his lunch box open. In one hand, Jeremy holds a large smallness, and in the other, a heavy lightness. Both taste like a brightly textured sound, but with salt added. Pepper is banned due to sneezing and its association with terrorism.

Caution: The simplest is the most (c)om(plex). To demonstrate, Jeremy flips a coin with determinism on one side and nondeterminism on the other. The chances of landing by chance are the same as being predestined to do so. The closer Jeremy gets to such truths, the closer he gets to the jester whom rides paradox like a unicycle. As a souvenir, Jeremy gets a pie to the face. He presents this at show-and-tell the next morning, impressing the business associates (parentheses). The resulting chart predicts a forty percent drop in chart presentations. Autonym #3: Inanimate.

Later that day, Jeremy chases after his impostor, believing himself to be the real Jeremy. When really, both are i(mpostor)s. Along the way, Jeremy trips and falls into debt, owing apologies to linear context. He assumes that assume means to assume, but he is greatly mistaken, for assuming implies existence, and Jeremy does not exist. Regardless, Jeremy (at)tends an evening party. What happens when the party gets angrily thirsty? (A pun)ch line. Jeremy laughs, having caught all four puns in that joke with his hands tied behind the wall.

A play onwards becomes a play on words. Autonym #4: Letters. The point is sharply blunt, hence trivially nontrivial. Jeremy dances on this point, having been coaxed into it. He dives into a see of chaos and (th)oughtless (th)ought. He is audience and writer simultaneously. That which can be written is essentially a plagiarism–plagiarism itself being a plagiarism from the dictionary and alphabet. Having nothing more lose lose (two lose), he hits the tuning fork which has a surface of non-surface. The soundless sound begins the ritual, so he drinks from the baseless cup. The brew of no brew grants him either impossible stairs or a motionless elevator.

The world moves by that elevator with Jeremy inside. He sees the dancing silhouette of a candle not lit. He thinks before he (th)inks, reminding himself of himself defining define. A distant nearness later, he hears a loud whispers (but singular) that motivates him against motivation. Is he awake or not sleeping? Let’s advance backwards. Jeremy steps upright onto his feet that point at the horizon. Are the birds stressing over the apple sauce which represents the future? Jeremy stresses over the future in the future, but never in the present. This line self-references itself.

Having passed the impassable overpass, Jeremy returns to the world of is is is, tucking non-world and non-is under his jester’s hat. He is the every-second stage performer, the laughing belief-juggler, skeptical of the skeptical, and skeptical of the of being used as the true of. He grins at frowns and growns at frins. He agrees to disagree to agree to bluff his way into legitimacy. Autonym #5: Itself. Jeremy approaches the completion of his metafictional work. He turns off the light and creates heaviness. His words, being heavy, slip off into abstraction.