Filling The Void

Nov 20, 2024

Do you sense a void in your heart that nothing seems to fill in any lasting way? Cars, clothes, gadgets, career, romance, sex, country, social status, looks, Netflix, restaurants, travel, alcohol, drugs, sports, dance.

While all these things might be nice for a time, none in themselves can bring anyone to any lasting fulfillment. I learned this the hard way through my own restless pursuit of trying to fill my own void.

I was what some might call as a “psychonaut,” driven by an intense desire to explore the depths of mental and transpersonal realms through mind-altering substances, intellect, tantra, and occult practices. The self-inflicted torments I endured in the name of “experimentation” never dissuaded me, as I believed that facing agony was essential for growth. What I didn’t realize however was that the ability to endure pain and suffering itself didn’t automatically equate to becoming a better person, much less gaining any lasting fulfilment.

This misconception really began to take form when, at 14, I started questioning my upbringing in Christ, largely because I was disillusioned by its followers. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the essence of the Christian message is acknowledging humanity’s fallen nature — that everyone, including Christians, falls short. Rejecting the entire path because of flawed people was, in hindsight, like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. And that baby was Jesus.

I had wandered far from God for a long time until just recently at age 39 (last year) which makes 24 years of defiance. But like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11–32, God welcomed me back with open arms because His love is that boundless. And the same goes for anyone who sincerely reaches out to Jesus Christ — He will accept you, no matter how far you’ve strayed.

My journey back to Christ was far from straightforward. I believed I had found my way by connecting to God under a different name — Krishna. For seven years, I followed this path of devotion, chanting mantras and offering prayers, but something wasn’t quite right. Despite all my efforts, my heart yielded no lasting change, and the deep void of sadness within me remained unchanged.

It wasn’t until I reached a point of complete brokenness that everything began to change. In that collapsed, helpless state, I turned my heart toward Jesus. Then everything changed.

I know some may find all this as “cringe,” but for those who truly know me, no amount of “cringe” could ever hold me back from pursuing anything. In fact, the concept of cringe has been a research topic for my butoh. There’s a passage often quoted in my Theokinesis classes that echoes the butoh philosophy. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, it says, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I also know some may get angry at my message, which speaks volumes. As Ephesians 6:12 reminds us: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” I recall a moment from my youth when the mother of one of my friends matter of factly stated that she saw two demons constantly following me. At the time, I was taken aback, even offended, but looking back, she was really onto something. There certainly was a pull toward sin I couldn’t deny in my youth, that followed me most of my life.

But everything changed the moment I sincerely surrendered to Jesus. My heart changed, and with it, my entire life. I was never the same again. As 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

And so after experimenting with plant-based mind-altering substances nearly a hundred times, traveling the world, practicing countless mantras and occult rituals, and immersing myself in dance, I finally found something that surpassed it all. Reaching for the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil was not the way. The fulfillment I now have doesn’t come from drugs, tantra, butoh, or Hinduism — but from Jesus Christ, the Tree of Life.

The burden I once carried while desperately searching for meaning in life and lusting after higher dimensions via my own works was really just feeding my pride. The New Age path has that tendency — a self-aggrandizing nature, where everything is achieved through one’s own efforts. That, for me, eventually became exhausting. Now, it feels incredibly refreshing to simply trust in the Creator and allow His grace to flow freely.

So if one truly want to fill the void, one must first acknowledge one’s own fallen nature, for only then, in Christ, can we be raised.